FALLING INTO WINTER, OR AM I?

I began this (unpublished) post about two months ago with this:

The calendar still says it's fall but the mornings are feeling more
and more like winter. As I walk out the sand feels very cold

and that's it. For two months I haven't been motivated to finish that post.

Motivation is a funny thing. I've still been walking on the beach in the mornings at least once or twice a week, sometimes more. What I was starting to say above is that, as I walk barefoot in the soft, cold sand in the morning shade on the north side of the pier, as I make my way down to the water's edge I get what I call "foot headaches" because the cold really does kind of get in there and feels sharp like pins and needles and it's somewhat painful. Also, I kind of like it. It reminds me that I'm alive and it makes me look even more forward to and excited about the firmer sand at the water's edge and the warmer, soothing coldness of the water itself.

So I still walk, and although it's been much colder now in the mornings I still enjoy it very much. Actually, this past week we've had Santa Ana winds and 80 degree afternoons which has been pretty great. Living in Southern California really is wonderful. In the mornings I've walked the pier again a few times and I see that some of my morning friends have also made their way up there now. I've survived the stress and joys of Christmas and now I'm just relaxing at home with my son on winter break and eating way too many tamales and cookies. I'm ready to get back to eating less and walking more instead of the reverse.

I don't know if it's because of the change in the seasons or the changing seasons of my life, in fact I don't know why it is at all, but my thoughts have taken an unexpected turn lately. It's a good if not exactly sensible, mom-like direction but it's very real and I like it a lot, in much the same way that I like the cold morning sand, although I'm not expecting any firmer sand or soothing water ahead. I doubt I'll ever publish the draft I've been writing about it because it's really, really personal and some might say foolish and/or weird. Anyway, it's all about me and my past and my present and reveals the wild twenty year old who is still alive inside of me. Like, really alive.

'Mazing Monday!

(copied from Facebook status:) 2nd Monday in a row watching a gigantic seal look for fish in the waves just 15-20 feet offshore. Today he swam on pace with my walk for about 10 minutes & I saw him with an enormous fish in his mouth. AMAZING!!!

A Covina Fish in Paradise

I had an especially lovely, wonderful walk this morning. It was a super dense fog morning, not as thick as it was that day a few weeks ago, but the air was white and richly moist with very limited visibility and a gorgeous halo effect around the sun.

There were the usual birds: noisy seagulls, fidgety shorebirds with all their adorable fuzzy little baby chicks, and also some pelicans doing a delightful flyby over the ocean out just above where the waves begin to grow.

But the greatest treat of all this morning: two seals swimming and gorging on fish just 10 to 20 feet offshore. One of them was so close I seriously could have ran out and touched it and possibly not even gotten my shirt wet. It was rather high tide which means the sandy shoreline descends at a pretty quick slant into the ocean, hence the reason the seals were able to swim so close to the shore, and okay, maybe I would have gotten my shirt wet.

At first I had only seen one of them and I was afraid that it might be sick or in distress since it's so unusual to see a seal so up close like that. Paulina, a morning regular, jogged towards me & stopped for a moment to talk about the seals, which I now saw that there were two of them. She assured me that they were fine and said that they eat the Corvina fish (I thought she said Covina fish - I grew up in Covina LOL!) which eat the sand crabs and that's why they were so close to shore. It was like a seal buffet!

As usual, the beach was none too crowded (just how I like it!)and most of us who were there remarked to each other about the seals and shared our enjoyment of them and the beautiful foggy morning as we passed each other and then continued on alone on our peaceful, solitary walks.

Lastly, just to mention, a girl/woman/lady I often see who in my mind I refer to as Tracy Nelson (actress & daughter of Ricky Nelson) introduced herself as Stephanie, but I still prefer to think of her as Tracy Nelson. Is that bad?

Which Way the Wind Blows

Yesterday morning was cool and cloudy which made for a wonderful morning walk.

This morning was cool and sunny which made for a wonderful morning walk.

I really, really love walking on the beach in the morning.

For most of my life I always went to the beach in the hot sun of the afternoon, to hang out with friends, to party, to get tan. It's only been this last year that I realize that, except for one or two really awesome afternoons, I was doing it all wrong.

Being young I didn't care or believe that my skin would ever wrinkle. Sunblock? Hah! It always seemed stupid and unnecessary even though I always turned pink instead of brown & burned easily. It meant nothing to me, less than nothing. And now my skin is starting to wrinkle and I'm so far away from that careless young girl who made stupid choices sometimes and never thought about the future. I'm the result of that girl & I wish I could talk to her and give her a heads up, about life, about love, & about sunblock, even though she wouldn't listen or take it to heart.

Life after Labor Day weekend

Two weekends ago, two friends & I found ourselves out and about in Seal Beach on the sunny Sunday afternoon of Labor Day weekend. We had a great time hanging out and wandering through some of the shops on Main Street and took a walk out on the pier.

We looked like this:




and the beach looked like this:



which bummed me out & made me want to yell, "hey you kids get off of my beach." I kept in mind that in just a few short days everyone would be back doing their regular routine & I would be back doing mine, once again enjoying my morning walks on my lovely, quiet beach.

On the plus side, we saw a really cute guy on the pier:



So now it's two weeks later. My son is back in school & my mornings are free and are mine all mine. I've spent at least a half a dozen mornings back walking on the beach and collecting shells. Sometimes I walk the beach on both sides of the pier although I really do prefer the north side.

This morning there was a terrific fog with the sun trying to break through. It looked like this:



Something about the fog and the sun was so magical. It felt special to be there. I felt lucky. I felt good.

:)

Life, Death, and Trash

And then there's this, too.

It's probably about the fourth or fifth time I've seen this in the morning: seagulls eating a dead (I hope!) stingray for breakfast. I've even seen seagulls eating other dead seagulls. Nice. Or not so nice.

That's life. That's death. For some reason all the stupid trash on the beach bothers me much more than this ever does.

Catalina! Catalina!

She's blurry, but she's back!

:)

Carol Burnett was on the Tavis Smiley show last night talking about her daughter Carrie (who died too young - like in her 30's - from cancer). She said that even while sick in the hospital, her daughter kept a positive outlook because in spite of everything she had decided she was going to love her life. I kept her message in my heart & spirit during this morning's walk and I plan to keep it there as much as possible.

:)

Back in the Sand

It's been 2 weeks since my last walk. It's good to be back!

:)

La Laguna de Benjamin Dominguez

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There's a park in Garden Grove, CA called Atlantis. This is not that park. These photos are from La Laguna de San Gabriel at Don Lugo Park in San Gabriel, which is sort of where this story begins and ends.

My son & I were planning to visit Atlantis Park last week, but his friend couldn't go so we didn't go either. I had taken him there once several years ago and we both loved it. He loved it because it was cool and fun; I loved it because it reminded me of the park in San Gabriel that my family used to take me to when I was a kid. I loved that park and went there a lot, including for birthday parties. It was THE fun park to go to as far as I was concerned. I'm not generally a super nostalgic person, but I always remembered this San Gabriel park fondly and as an adult I've gone back to visit several times.

Both Atlantis Park & Don Lugo Park (formerly Wells Park) are full of giant cement sea creature slides and climbing things. As far as I knew this was a sort of common thing for parks of the time. Last week after googling directions to Atlantis Park, I started clicking on links and made the most wonderful discovery. Both parks were designed and created by the same man, Benjamin Dominguez. Both parks are masterful and precious and fairly unique (Legg Lake - also a childhood spot! - still has some of his playful structures) and La Laguna de San Gabriel is his masterpiece. His is a wonderful story which you can read if you like at this link:

http://www.friendsoflalaguna.org/

Anyway, several years ago, La Laguna was in danger of being demolished due to modern safety & accessibility standards. Luckily for all of us, some people got together to stop that from happening, and so La Laguna lives on. The more I read about Benjamin Dominguez and La Laguna and Atlantis, the more I feel like my heart is growing like the Grinch's heart when he hears all the Whos in Whoville singing with no presents yet still with love in their hearts.

What a lucky child I was to get to innocently enjoy this magical park without a clue as to its story, and what a grateful adult I am now to have learned about the artist who created it. Although my prior love for La Laguna was strong, it is deeper now than ever before. As one of his grandkids wrote, now instead of La Laguna being a memory, it is a legacy.

So thanks, Ben! And thanks to the Friends of La Laguna!

(The above pics from La Laguna are from Feb 2013. Very, very soon we will make that short trip to Atlantis and it won't be long until I check out Legg Lake again, too.)

Catalina at last!

Sorry, no picture, but when we were coming home on the freeway this afternoon my son noticed that he could see Catalina, so we drove up to the top of Signal Hill and thar she blows! We said hooray, waved hello, then headed on home.

Summer day trip to Catalina coming soon!

Best shell day ever!

Silly Old Pier!

It's really more sad than silly. The building at the end of the Seal Beach Pier used to be a Ruby's Diner. Burgers, sandwiches, salads, sort of a 50's motif with red booths, black & white checkerboard floors, etc. Bustling. Family friendly. Not a bad place at all.

At the end of 2012, Ruby's and the city of Seal Beach were unable to reach an agreement and so, after 25 years, the Seal Beach Ruby's is no more.

And so now, in the touristy midst of summer, after months of continuing arguments, lawsuits, new proposals (and lack thereof), and legal wrangling, the old building still sits empty at the end of the pier. It sits there like nothing but an eyesore. It's such a sad sight, and so unnecessary. The city claims that Ruby's didn't do some agreed upon repairs & Ruby's claims it did. The city set a deadline for new business proposals & the only company that made a proposal was the company that owns Ruby's. The city extended the deadline & Ruby's withdrew its proposal.

A few months ago, back when I was still walking on the pier, I watched as a construction crew removed all the booths and appliances from inside and basically left nothing but an empty shell. A few weeks ago the city declared the building a public nuisance. The end of the pier - the best part! - which used to be so wonderful, filled with families and friends and lovers and fishermen and walkers, has been closed off by a chain link fence for months. Perhaps most of the happy people enjoying the beach don't really care but to me (and undoubtedly to many others) it just seems like such a shame.

I love you Seal Beach, but you really dropped the ball on this one. No matter the truth of your arguments, you've let your treasure fade because that pier - that beautiful, long wooden pier - is the crown of your city, and the building/restaurant/whatever you like at the end of that pier is the crowning jewel. Or was, I mean.

Get it together folks!

Me & sparkling water making friends ....

Saw this little guy right in the middle of the beach, just sitting all alone in the sand. I was afraid for his possibly dire fate, and so.....

I let him go over by the rocks, near Fonzie :)

Hello Summer!

The first day of summer was last Saturday. I didn't make it down to the beach until close to sunset but then I had a lovely walk. A really, really lovely walk. The photos above may give you some idea.

I had been cooped up in the house all day with my homebody kid & was grateful for the relief. I love the summer and I love my son but each pulls me away from the other. School's out so my son is on my time now all day long everyday. I can either force him to come with me (which he's totally not into, sadly) or make other arrangements and just go without him. His complaining kind of harshes my mellow anyway, so in the past I've tended to let his hermit-like ways keep me home much too much but this summer I just can't do it. If I don't get out & walk my mind goes too squirrely. I get ants in my pants and static in my attic. Something about that stretch of beach really irons out my wrinkles in a wonderful way.

So let's see..... I've made it down there four out of the past five days so I'm doing pretty good. The more I walk the better I feel, so I keep on walking.

A lot of days they have surfing school. Isn't that great?!!!



Then yesterday and today they've been having Junior Lifeguard training.



I love seeing all the kids, little and not so little, surfing and running up and down the beach. Too cute!

Other fun stuff: this morning all my usual favorite morning walkers were there: the two older men I call the Russians & the lady I call the Russian lady, even though they don't appear to know each other, we just all happen to walk at around the same time. I imagine that the men are Russian Mafia (no idea what their ethnicity really is) & that when the day comes they will spare me because I'm always friendly to them. The Russian lady wears the same perfume as my stepmom. It smells nice but it's always a little bit disconcerting because it's a really distinct smell.

Also, I saw the nearly naked swimming guy. Yay! He's awesome! I love the nearly naked guy! He's very fit, well into his 60s at least, tan, balding, white hair, goatee, and he strips down to the teeniest tiniest G-string ever and takes a short swim in the ocean. How great is that?! Bold I tell ya!

Then there are the two city worker guys. They get on my nerves driving their stupid loud tractors all over the sand making all that obnoxious noise. I have no idea what they're even doing. I know they're doing something probably super necessary and important (yeah right) but it's annoying. They both have beards & back in the winter when I would see them working on the pier I wanted to ask them if they were having some sort of beard growing contest. One guy looked sort of cute and I thought his beard was sexy at first in a Jake Gyllenhaal kind of way but I got sick of it real quick & decided it was more in a Joaquin Phoenix kind of way & now I hate him. LOL?

And then there was Gael. Ah, Gael.... I didn't see him today. In fact, I only saw him for about a week or two a few months ago. He would run across the beach a few times on the softer, dry sand up away from the water so I never got a really good look at him but from my distance he looked perfect. He was dark haired, thin and tan with some tattoos, which I normally don't go for but on him, like I said, perfect. I wonder if he'll ever be back again. He was dreamy.

So that's it. My pictures show the June Gloom weather which it has been in the mornings but it clears up by the late afternoon and gets hot and summery and wonderful. I still feel nervous/anxious a lot for no reason & about half the time I have a nasty headache but I'm dealing with it all pretty well. Walking helps, I think because it helps me to live in the moment instead of being so stuck in my own head, and the sights and sounds of the beach help to unwind my mind. Except for those stupid tractors!

Fonzie's Got A Girlfriend :)

As I came up to Fonzie this morning I saw that he had made a friend. She was just laying there on top of him so I kind of propped her up so she would look more fancy. I think it made them both look happy.

Besides that, it's the last day of school so that means it was my last morning walk without having to drag along a grumpy 10 year old or get grandma to babysit. I was trying to feel sad or wistful about it but I just couldn't & didn't. It was a beautiful morning, as always, and walking on the beach just makes me feel so good. It makes me live in the moment and it really is the best therapy.

Lately most days I've filled both of my shorts pockets up with shells (I've been calling them "two pocket days") and today was no exception. It's a paradise of shells every morning. My new bigger shell bowl is overflowing and now I've also nearly filled up a big Tupperware container. I'm thinking I need to do some kind of art project with the shells, like making jewelry or mirror frames. I want to put them to good use in a way that I can enjoy looking at them daily.

Also, the Nordic god face on the wall by the pier? I've been calling him Pookie. Not a very godlike name, but that makes it kind of funny & I think the name will stick.

Another brick in the wall

Since I posted a pic of Fonzie the other day, I wanted to also post a pic of the wall on the other side of my beach walk. It looks like a face to me. Just like I high five the Fonz rock on the north side, when I get back to the pier on the south side, I always walk up to this exact spot on the wall but instead of a high five, I poke this guy in the eyes and mouth. I haven't given him a name yet. He reminds me of a Norse god.

Say hello to my little friend!

While looking for shells yesterday, I picked up a lovely purple shell that a sand crab was still using. I put him back in the sand, of course.

Surf's Up, Fonzie! Aeyyy!

See this rock? It's name is Fonzie. I named it Fonzie because it's shaped like a big "A" and it reminds me of when the Fonz would say "Aeyyy." (Hey, I just remembered there was also a big A on the sign for Arnold's.) Anyway, the rock made me think of Fonzie so that's what I named it & I give it a high five everyday and say "Aeyyy" right back to it.

I woke up at 5 am feeling agitated & irritated. I laid in bed watching TV for awhile & decided I needed my beach fix so I was up & out & on my way. I'm so glad I did. Today is Sunday & I usually don't go on the weekends. I also talked my son into walking with me yesterday afternoon. I take all the comfort I can get! Anyway, this morning was a teeny bit drizzly but not too cold. We've had unusually high surf for a few days so there were a lot of surfers. Here's a picture from a few days ago. Not the best picture, and not the biggest wave of the day, but it's the pic I took so there ya go!




This morning there was a paddle out for some beloved person who (I'm guessing) died. All of his friends/family were wearing yellow leis and wet suits. One woman had a big poster photo of him. He looked like a nice guy, mid 40's maybe. I imagine the paddle out & subsequent surf party would have made him quite happy.

Also this morning I saw two young boys surfing. They were probably around 8 or 9 years old and they were having a blast. It lifted my poor spirits to see them enjoying themselves so completely. Also, I saw a young woman who I sometimes see in the mornings. She was picking up trash, mostly plastic bags, as she walked. We talked a little. I had mentioned to her the other day that I want to start picking up trash once a week as a thank you to give back to this stretch of beach that gives so much to me. She had said that she thinks the same thing & I was happy to see her doing it. It's definitely my turn! In my defense, I DO pick up any broken glass I see, which happens just about everyday. I can't help but think about some little kid stepping on it & there's no way I can just leave it laying there when I see some.

The amount of litter on the beach is very disheartening. People can be capable of both such greatness & such assholery. Sigh. Shout out to the senior class of St. Hedwig Catholic School who were out in their Class of 2013 sweatshirts one morning last week picking up trash. Much appreciated!

What else..... I don't know. Just breathing my way through another day, trying to take life as it comes, live in the present, enjoy the moments, blah blah blah, la te da and all that. Things could be better but they could also be worse. I had a pretty good week. That's enough.

Wherefore Art Thou, Catalina?

I haven't seen Catalina for months. Some days I can see just the shadow of an outline - a hint, a reminder, a promise - but more often than not: nothing. It was different in the beginning. Back in January and February there were days when the island shined like a brown jewel. The sun lit up every nook, every crevice. The air was crisp and bright and the view was spectacular.

I miss the warm beckoning of my island friend but it's okay. A sunny morning will return eventually. My morning walks have been plenty lovely without seeing the face of its lovely mountains. All of my morning skies have been lately covered with a thick marine layer that blocks out everything that isn't immediate. But the day will come and I am patient.

Meanwhile I walk, I pick up shells, I watch and listen to the waves. I smile and say good morning to people I pass on my way. This morning a dolphin was traveling in the same direction as I and so we travelled southbound together for a little while. It was nice. I named the dolphin Catalina.

Anxiety Abatement Program

I saw this little guy floating around in the waves this morning. He looked much frailer in person, kind of yellow and without a shell. He looked like he was doing okay, though.

My original shell bowl was overflowing so I bought a bigger bowl. It still probably won't take long to fill it. Unfortunately, feeling better & getting better are two different things. After a week and a half of feeling good, the anxiety kind of crept back up over the past few days & now today I'm stuck with a wicked headache that seems to laugh at ibuprofen. I tell myself this will pass, this will pass. But I have little patience for pain. So I walk and breathe and read and do the things that make me feel better, but it's not helping much today. Bummer. I wish it was as easy as filling up a bowl with shells.

We're gonna need a bigger bowl

Sun Therapy

Since January, I've been off and on experiencing extreme mental weirdness. It came on suddenly as a feeling of lightheadedness and of being spaced out and disconnected. Over time it morphed into some terrible anxiety about what the hell was wrong with me. After enduring months of inconclusive diagnostic tests and much too powerful pharmaceutical drugs prescribed by doctors with good intentions but no real idea of how to help me, I've lately been learning to help myself. I read a lot of books, do a lot of online research, and do a lot of helpful "feel good" things, but the best, most healing thing I do is to walk on the beach almost every morning.

I started walking on the pier in January before the weirdness started. I love morning walks but my old stomping grounds were feeling worn out and I needed a new routine. One morning it came to my mind to drive down to Seal Beach. The weather was cold and the pier was perfect. I parked two blocks up Main Street and began my new habit of power walking into my days to the sound of waves crashing and the sights of fishermen, seagulls, surfers, ships, and the occasional sea lions and dolphins. I fell in love.

Fast forward five months and I am still in love with Seal Beach. I still walk on the pier sometimes, especially on cooler mornings, but summer is near and now most mornings are warm and delicious and I can't resist the call of the sand and the waves. I walk barefoot along the shoreline on the north side of the pier at least once, usually twice, sometimes three times. The water repeatedly washes over my feet, waves coming in and out, sometimes coming in much more than I was expecting and I get a little too wet but I don't really mind. I love the sights of the beach: the waves, the sky, the pier, the ships, the birds, the surfers. I love the feeling on the bottom of my feet of stepping on the diamond patterns carved into the sand by the receding waves and I love how the sand sometimes looks like it's full of gold sparkles. I love to close my eyes and really hear to the waves. I love the feel of the wind and the smell of everything.

At the far end of the beach there's a rock jetty and I always stop to touch a few sea anemones to make my walk feel complete. But the bulk of my morning mental focus is on hunting for cool shells. At first I had a "one shell per day" rule. I bought a small glass bowl to hold my shells and planned that when the bowl was full I would be cured. I changed the "one shell per day" rule by about the third day. Why limit the awesome power of beautiful shells? When I find a great shell, I rinse it off in the ocean then put it in my pocket and it makes me feel great. When I pick up a promising looking shell and then decide it's unsatisfactory, I throw it out into the ocean and yell "motherfucker." It's very therapeutic.

From the pier and from the first part of my beach walk I can see Long Beach in the distance and I always blow a kiss or two. I love Long Beach but I am having a passionate affair with Seal Beach. It is changing my soul for the better.

P.S. The shell bowl is almost full.